


Hold Me In Your Arms Like A Prison

by WindyQ



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Gonkillu - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Update these as I go, and mentions of death, eventually, it will go even more in depth later on, just take care of yourselfs, mentions of abuse, modern universe au, so if that isn’t your cup of tea makes you uncomfy plz take care of yourself and don’t read, there’s cursing too lots of it, trauma ect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26615620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindyQ/pseuds/WindyQ
Summary: Killua is stuck. Stuck in chains tied to his past. He can’t escape the memories of his past, how much his family hurt him. How he finally thought he had found a way out, thought he could love. Only to be stabbed in the back and hurt more. He doesn’t think he’ll ever escape.That is until one day he is saved, quite literally, by a weird stranger.
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 61
Kudos: 101





	1. Scintilla

A foot taps on the ground aggressively and annoyed, a sigh falling from a teenager’s lips. 

Geez. This is why Killua doesn’t like going shopping with Alluka. She made him look like a godsend in comparison, and it’s not exactly like he shops fast. He looks around the mall in pure boredom, playing with the string of his dark blue hoodie, scuffing his purple sneakers against the floor. 

How did he let Alluka convince him to wait again?

He stands up with a huff, sticking his hands into the pockets of his distressed jeans. Maybe he should go for a walk, sitting here wasn’t going to do him any good. He hadn’t really bothered looking around at any stores himself today. Mostly because he had already gone to his favorite clothing brand store, Hunter’s, literally the other day. 

The Mall was bustling with people, colorful signboards and stores all over the place, it hurt his eyes after a while to be honest. Children screaming in the background, begging their parents for a pretzel, or whining to go to other stores. Adults arguing over how much money to spend, and teenager’s like himself, giggling and gossiping away. 

Not that Killua would compare himself to normal seventeen year olds. He wasn’t, not with his background. An abusive family and then an equally abusive relationship after that. It was hard to find others like him, and he refused to go to therapy to meet some, hearing someone else’s tragic past would make him feel sick to his stomach. 

It would remind him too much, of everything he wants to forget. 

“Hey, beautiful.” 

Killua clicks his tongue in annoyance, whirling around and glaring. 

“Oi, oi, no need to be cranky, you know I can show you a good time, then you won’t be so angry.” 

Killua looks up at the sleaze bag, of course, some creep who has to be in his thirties, wearing a beanie and a dumb stupid horny ass smile... 

Killua rolls his eyes, not really wanting to bother giving this guy the time of day, he turns his back and goes to walk away, but all of a sudden there’s a burning hot hand on his wrist. 

Killua freezes, his mind going blank. No. No. Get off. Leave him alone. 

Get off! 

“Let go of me!” 

He snaps, trying to tug his arm away, panic seizing in his chest and mind, his blood racing and simultaneously going cold. 

The grip tightens and his breath is failing to come up. He can’t breathe, let go. Let go. 

Let go!

“I said! Let me go!” 

He tries to pull away with more strength this time, but if anything his limbs feel like jelly, and white dots are dancing across his vision. 

“He said to let him go!” 

There’s an angry, determined voice, and green spills into his vision, and the grip is slack and then gone. 

Killua takes a moment to catch his breath, tugging his wrist back, holding it near his chest, the other going to wring at silvery locks of hair. 

“Ah- oops.” He hears a voice and his ocean blue eyes snap up, looking at the most hideous pair of pants, matching with a green motorcycle jacket, and equally awful green boots. 

Jesus. Something tells him this guy likes green. He looked his age, and his white tank top was the only thing helping Killua not go blind. He stares looking up further at dark spiked up hair, and tan skin, wait? Was that green at the tips of his hair also?! 

Oh god. His first thought is this guy is a weirdo. 

The second is this weirdo had a very sheepish looking grin, and Killua looks down to figure out why. Ah, there beanie guy is. Lying on the white tiled floor. With a broken nose. Yeah, that was a broken nose, and he was unconscious. 

Killua gaps completely dumbfounded, so much so he can’t really even say thanks. 

His vision spinning and his chest weighing down on his lungs like an anvil doesn’t help either, and he tries to blink to clear his vision, but it just isn’t working, everything is spinning, and blurry. 

Even as he tries to breathe normal, it feels like the air just won’t reach his lungs, and he catches sight of all that green making it’s way over to him, but all his words fail him. 

“A...re... you... okay?” 

His ears are burning, and he can only make out the words in fractures, his mouth is dry, and he can’t speak. He can’t breathe. He’s back there again. Grabbing his wrist, hurting him. No. Help.

And his eyes roll back in his head, and as his body goes limp, a pair of warm strong arms going to grab him and the last thing he hears is a startled yell. 

—

Crap! Alluka! 

Was the first though that emerges in his mind, as he jolts up, head throbbing and pulsing in the back, making him wince and press a few slender fingertips at the spot, applying pressure in hopes it will relive the pain. 

The next thought was, where? Killua squints looking down at brown boards mixed with metal. He stares more seeing it situated against a wall of bricks, dirt, flowers and trees. Ah, right, the benches directly behind the fountain in the Mall... 

“Oh! You’re awake!” 

Huh? Killua groans looking over, icy blue falling to meet honey brown, confusion encircling Killua’s mind. The guy from earlier? Possibly? Killua’s eyes drift down, noticing the weirdo was holding a drink in one hand. Wait. Same pants. Where was that ugly ass green jacket? 

Killua looks to the left of the bench, noticing a clump of green fabric laying in a nicely folded square. 

Oh. Killua knew something was off. His head should’ve hurt a lot more given he had been resting on a bench. The rest of his muscles were certainly feeling the pull. 

The stranger walks over a beaming smile on his face, and holds out the drink. 

“Here! Oh! Don’t worry! I didn’t keep my eyes off you!” 

Killua stares incredulously, and eyebrow raised and lips drawing into a line. Seriously? What a weirdo, why did he help him again, anyway?

He huffs, feeling very confused. 

“It’s fine.” 

He passed out, right? Maybe leaving someone passed out didn’t sit well with this guy... then again he knocked the other dude unconscious. Not that Killua could judge, he wouldn’t have bothered with himself at all like this guy... and most people wouldn’t. Killua’s woken up in his fair share of weird places after passing out...

...no one ever bothered... 

His fingers brush alongside the side of his head near his ear, tracing a thin hidden scar covered by white tuffs of hair. 

He couldn’t forget the time he had woken up to Alluka screaming and crying, the blood, the pain, or the being confined to that annoying hospital for two days. 

Alluka had basically declared herself his babysitter after that. How shameful was that? He needed his own little sister nearby looking after him just so he wouldn’t end up passed out with a concussion again. 

He hated burdening her too... he hated this. Alluka should be able to go places without worrying about him. It had taken him forever to convince her he’d be fine today, and would wait for her. She should go shopping have fun. He ended up proving her wrong, though...

Fuck. It wasn’t fair. 

Why did even dumb little things send him into a panicked frenzy? Remind him of the past? His chest would seize up and his mind would go blank, flashing to those events. He couldn’t breathe and the edges of his vision would turn black, and then... 

“...ou okay?” 

“Are you okay?” 

Killua snaps out of his daze, the stranger leaning over him with worry painted across his face. Killua curses quietly, shaking his head to snap out of it, ignoring how it sent a pained shock to his neck. 

“You still look pale, are you feeling okay?” 

Killua snorts at that. He always looks pale, if he somehow looked paler he must seem like a walking ghost at this point. 

“I’m fine. This is normal for me.” 

The stranger’s eyebrows crease, concern flickering in his golden eyes, but he doesn’t say anything, clearly pondering over something in his mind. 

“Here. I got you this, you should drink something.” 

Killua hesitates as the stranger pushes it further in his direction with a goofy grin, and Killua sighs, reaching out to grab it, the tips of their fingertips brushing against each other. 

“Thanks.” 

He mumbles under his breath, his face feeling very hot all of a sudden. 

A ding snaps him out of his thoughts, and Killua quickly places the drink down next to him, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. 

Shit. 

15 Missed calls. 

40 Missed texts. 

All from Alluka. He only glances over a few, and guilt sinks in his stomach at how more and more overwhelmingly panicked the messages got. 

He quickly, sends a message back to her to let her know he’s okay. 

‘im fine dw meet me at the food court’ 

He slips it back in his pocket, ignoring the ding, followed by multiple other dings. Alluka was going to chew him out later... he should probably accidentally forget to tell her he passed out. Again. If he did tell, she would probably blame herself and never want to leave him by himself again. And Killua wants anything but that. He already feels so terrible she feels the need to watch over him like a hawk... he wanted her to have fun by herself and her couple of friends for once. 

Killua looks up, and yep, the weirdo is still there looking way too concerned about a complete stranger. Killua exhales, placing his hand on the back of his neck. 

“Look...” 

“It’s Gon!” The weirdo, ‘Gon’ apparently, holds his hand out, grinning dumbly from ear to ear. 

Oh. It clicks. 

“Killua.” 

He reluctantly lets his hand meet the tanned one, strong and warm and calloused, before Gon pulls away, and Killua lets his hand fall back to his lap. 

“Listen, Gon. Thanks for everything, but I have to go meet up with my sister.” 

Killua grabs the drink next to him, standing up, feeling the effects of wooziness almost immediately, and he stumbles, but a strong hand grips his shoulder, and he doesn’t end up face planting into the ground. 

“You should still rest. My friend’s a doctor, I can call him if you want?” 

Doctor. No. No. That would let Alluka know something was off immediately. 

He shakes his head rapidly, colored dots putting on a light show in front of his vision. 

“No. I-I’m fine...” 

He hears a worried hum above him, another hand going to his shoulder to support him. 

“You should sit down, you said you had a sister, right? Let me call her for you. I don’t think you should be moving.” 

Killua goes to reject the idea, but he feels so dizzy he ends up just falling back onto the bench, ignoring the shooting pain when he does. He reaches trembling fingers into his pocket, tugging his phone out, and holding it out, Gon quickly taking it. 

Killua leans forward pressing his palms into his forehead, trying to ease the vertigo. 

“Your sister’s name?”

Killua lets out a pitiful whine before answering. 

“...Alluka.” 

Oh, great, what are you doing Killua? 

But he feels so sick right now he can’t even really help it, just closing his eyes, and hearing Gon speak. 

“Hello?” 

Oh, good god. He was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first time at an AU at all, so please forgive me if it is trash! Yeah I know it’s just modern, but still!
> 
> Any comments and kudos are appreciated! It’s my first chapter work so I would greatly appreciate any! Esp since my ADD ass will have problems trying to continue if no one is interested lol. Which could make sense idk how interesting this is to anyone, or if it’s really something anyone wants to read lol. I might be able to continue some on self indulgence alone, cuz I am self indulgent, but! If anyone is actually interested please, I would appreciate it so much you have no idea djsjsjieisks.
> 
> I wrote this instead of sleeping lol. Am tired and have to go to work oop. Please indulge me. I am v proud even if it’s a little/lot messy.
> 
> I also wrote Gon dif from usual, his speaking pattern that is it feels so off compared to what I’m used to, but I didn’t like how it flowed so... normal it is. Hope it doesn’t make him to ooc. Or I hope no ones too ooc for that matter, but idk AU? So some leeway? Tech it was just Gon and Killua, but Alluka will be soon, and I’ve never even written her, so anajhajsisiosis.
> 
> If you read this thank you so much! I appreciate it!


	2. Inconsequential

“Hello?”

Gon speaks tentatively, yet with determination, glancing back at Killua in concern, the boy hadn’t moved since he had handed him his phone, but he could see him visibly shaking.

He hears someone on the other end of the line shuffling around, and then immediately Gon rips the phone away from his ear.

“BIG BROTHER!”

It makes him chuckle, he’s done that a few times, and Leorio was a whole other case.

Gon goes to clarify, but he’s cut off.

“Wait, who are you?”

There’s a hint of anger in the girls voice, and Gon quickly realizes he should try and explain the situation before he’s roasted alive.

“I’m Gon. Is this Alluka? I’m calling because I’m worried about Killua, I! Uh! I, mmm! I helped him! And he said he was going to meet you, but he really doesn’t look well... we’re near the fountain in the square!”

“Oh really? You helped my brother? Well, if you’re lying I will kick you with my studded boots you know where, so you better not be!”

Alluka was quite proud of how far she’d come in self-defense, her boss and manager Bisky had been teaching her because she wanted to be able to protect Killua if anything happened again.

He has protected her so long, she wants to return the favor...

“I’ll be there in a sec, don’t do anything to my brother, kay?”

Gon laughs nervously, hearing the ding of the call being ended, and he rubs the back of his neck, going back over to Killua.

He places the phone down next to the drink he had gotten Killua, picking up his jacket, and sliding it over his arm, fingers gently going to rest on the boy’s shoulder.

“Are you okay? I called your sister, she said she’d be right here. She’s, uhhhh... a real sweetheart!”

He laughs, feeling bad for lying, Aunt Mito would’ve made him close the shop by himself for a few days as a punishment...

He feels Killua move under his touch, and the boy tugs his hands away from his face. He looked worse than before, sweat sticking to sickly pale skin, some pieces of hair clinging to his face, stuck down. His eyes are glazed over and his voice wavers when he speaks.

“Alluka? Yeah, right. She’s a little devil.”

He snorts, as if Gon’s conclusion was damm near the dumbest thing he’s ever heard, but Gon can pick up the fondness in his voice underneath the snark.

“BIG BROTHER!”

Gon snaps his head over in the direction of the voice, watching a girl with hair the complete opposite of Killua’s coming over; dark, long and black, straight and in a ponytail, a strange looking designed headband resting atop her head. She was in fact wearing ankle high studded black boots, spikes in the front, a green skirt reaching her knees and a light pink tank top, another white pullover shirt with a smiley face reaching her midriff.

She marches over, really not paying Gon any mind and when he gives her a friendly smile, bending down in front of Killua.

“Brother! Are you okay?”

—  
—

Killua looks up dazed, his ears ringing unknown if it was because of Alluka’s yelling or the constant pressure in his head and chest. He feels Gon strong grip relinquish and Alluka’s familiar gentle one take its place upon his shoulder.

Shit. He has to find a way to lie. He ate something wrong? The drink was poisoned? Ugh, no, not unless he wanted his sister to murder the weirdo who had saved his life.

Fuck, she was probably going to confiscate all his Chocorobos!

“Brother, are you okay? I was so worried, why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Killua looks up seeing the concern in his sister’s eyes, guilt starting to eat away at his heart, and he opens his mouth, but Gon interrupts, to save him. Only to really doom him more. Damm this guy.

“It’s not his fault, he collapsed and I didn’t notice his phone ringing, so please don’t be too mad at him.”

Killua embraces the storm that is coming, feeling Alluka’s fingers tighten around his shoulders before she pulls away and stands up in front of him; Gon looking on like a dumbass in the background a goofy sheepish grin plastered all over his face.

Alluka doesn’t yell though, and that is a million times worse, seeing the look of complete heartbreak and worry in the way her lip trembles and her brow furrows.

“Alluka I’m-“

“Don't apologize, brother. It’s not your fault. I just wish I had been there.”

Killua looks down, poking through a hole in his jeans, biting down on his lip.

“I wanted you to enjoy today.”

“I would have enjoyed it with you.”

The following silence is unbearable and Killua’s eyes sting, and he can tell from looking down alone, how Alluka taps her feet, she’s probably trying to not cry to. This is why he hadn’t wanted her to know. He didn’t want her to blame herself, he didn’t want her to cry, and he didn’t want her to realize he still hasn’t gotten better.

Alluka sniffs, and he hears her shuffle, and Killua looks up through bleary blue eyes as she looks over to Gon, a smile now on her face.

“You saved my brother, right? I’m sorry about earlier, thank you so much! I know he can be a bit of a pain, but please take care of him!”

Killua glares a million holes into her to which she only offers a catlike grin, ugh. This was revenge for teasing her a lot wasn’t it?

“Alluka, he doesn’t need to look after me, because he’s leaving now.”

Gon glances between the two dumbfounded, scratching at his neck.

“I am?”

Huh, what? Are you a dumbass?!

Killua screeches in his mind, but places his index and middle finger inbetween his nose, pinching it. God, he feels sick.

“Do you guys have a ride?”

“We do-“

They took the bus all the time, but Alluka seems to have other plans and Killua feels another headache ready to dig its claws into his skull.

“We do not! We’d love for you to take us home!”

Sneaky little devil! This is exactly what he’s talking about! Why was his sister so obsessed with hooking him up with any nice guy that came along?

It was probably to get rid of the memories... for both of them.

“Alluka! Gon didn’t even say he would-“

“I’d love to!”

Oh, for fucks sake.

This stupid guy, he was way too willing and nice to help two complete strangers! And his clothes were dumb, and he had been so warm-!

Hold up!

Gon is shaking Alluka’s hand as she bows and thanks him, and puts on the ‘innocent look’ as the other boy stands up and slips on his hideous jacket.

“It’s okay! I don’t have to be home for a while!”

He directs this to Killua with a smile so bright it was blinding, trying to reassure him, as he outstretches a hand. Alluka goes to collect his drink and phone, looking over with a smirk, and Killua’s sure this must be his punishment for collapsing.

He lets out an exhale, bringing shaky fingers up to grasp at that calloused hand, and he’s tugged gently away from the bench, his vision swarms immediately and his legs shake, and he grabs at Gon’s forearm as a lifeline.

He looks and feels like a baby deer taking his first step, and Gon looks at him with those big brown eyes in concern, moving his left hand to rest near Killua’s shoulder the one the boy’s currently griping moving to his waist. Killua’s grip is left empty, and so he grabs at Gon’s jacket, and hears a giggle from Alluka, who is going to take the lead.

Fuck this.

His cheeks are burning, and he’s super aware of the hot touch on his waist. He’d can’t pull away though, not with his stomach doing tumbles.

“It’s okay. We can take it slow.”

Gon takes a small step forward and Killua almost throws up his little to no breakfast of a banana on the spot, and Gon sends him a concerned look. Killua swallows bile down, griping tighter to Gon’s stupid ugly ass jacket.

Alluka is looking back snickering, no doubt because she’s a dumbass young teenager who loved romance and lines that, taken out of context... sounded wrong.

Killua groans.

Fuck him.

—  
—

Thank god Gon’s ride was not that far from the doors of the mall, because Killua had basically been carried out, and he wasn’t in the mood for more walking across a long ass parking lot. When he sees the ride though, he blanches.

Guess the motorcycle jacket wasn’t just awful taste. Said motorcycle was not the same hue of green, a darker shade, and primarily black, but that was the least of his worries. Alluka was already jumping on the back all excited, but he felt like passing out again, his stomach churning.

Gon must have noticed how sick he looks, because while he’s handing Alluka the spare helmet, he speaks up.

“It’s okay, I won’t go to fast, promise. Kon’ll take good care of you.”

Killua raises an eyebrow, struggling to stay on his feet right now, but nods dumbly.

He was really just questioning a few things, though. Who the hell names their motorcycle? How the hell did Gon ever manage to put on a helmet with that hair? And he feels like he’s gonna pass out again...

Gon walks over with the other helmet and plops it over Killua’s head before he can argue, snapping it in place, making Killua’s heart jump when he feels the warmth of fingertips on his jaw. He gently holds Killua’s forearm walking him over slowly to the bike.

Gon sits down before gesturing to Killua to sit in front of him, and Killua momentarily wonders if he could make it to the bus on his own two feet.

His body literally tells him no, nausea on display at full force, his legs shaking more than ever. He quickly sits before he gets a mouthful of black pavement, trying not to burn up at the fact that he’s sitting in-between Gon’s legs. Gon snakes an arm around his waist and he yelps.

“Wh-what?! How are you going to drive like that?!”

Alluka is busy laughing at his despair in the back, her hands wrapped around Gon’s midsection.

“It’s okay. I don’t want you to fall off, and besides I already told you I’ll go slow!”

Alluka starts laughing harder, and he really wants to clonk her on the head, teeth gritting.

“People will honk at you if you do that!”

Gon hums, looking upward in thought before shaking his head and placing his free hand on one of the handles.

“That’s okay! I just want to make sure you’re okay!”

Killua sputters, his chest feeling heavy and hot and his mind reeling, he grips the other handle, the other resting at the base of the motorcycle, and when he hears the engine start to roar he tries to will himself to die on the spot.

—  
—

Turns out he was right, the whole time they had been cussed at, honked at, and Gon had never gone over a speed that made him sick, which made him feel more sick somehow. The butterflies in your stomach sick. The sick he hates more than anything.

Killua refuses to admit he felt oddly cold without Gon’s body heat right next to him once the other helps him off the motorcycle. He tugs his arms underneath each other, glancing at the cement that leads to the door of their apartment.

“Thanks for everything Gon! My brother reeealllly appreciates it!”

Killua blushes like a mad man, mumbling before opening his mouth and in whisper quickly thanks him.

“T-thank you.”

Gon chuckles and smiles wildly eyes closing, and Killua curses inwardly, the sound resounding in his ears sounds like something you’d hear in heaven. 

Fuck him.

“It’s no problem! If you guys want...” Gon trails off for a moment, nervously tapping his hand up and down on his motorcycle... “There’s a nice café around my place, I’d love to take you out there!”

Yes! Shit, he meant why? He just meet them?!

Alluka’s face lights up, and she gets a spark in her eye, quickly whipping out her phone. Pretending to look through it.

“Oh, noooo! I seem to busy tomorrow! But I’m sure brother would love to accompany you!”

Killua gasps glaring at her with the ferocity of a mountain lion.

He sneakily flips her off, to which she giggles heading towards the door of their apartment.

“I-I uh...”

Killua looks over seeing how Gon’s expression is slowly morphing from excited to disappointed, and he gulps.

“Yeah, I would, uh like to.”

And that look of doubt and sadness is erased in a second, pearly white showing, and arms waving about happily.

“Really? Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”

Gon hums jumping on his bike and Killua blushes furiously before turning to run after Alluka who is already quickly turning the door handle to get inside to avoid her brother’s wrath.

“Get back here!”

The only sound that is heard is screeching and laughter.

—

—

Killua nervously tugs at a string of hair, looking at his phone every two seconds, realizing, oh yeah, he doesn’t have Gon’s number... he sighs, looking down at his dark blue jeans, that match his button-up cardigan of the same color, a sleeveless white turtleneck contrasting all the blue. Alluka said he looked fine, but what does Killua care anyway?! He doesn’t care if he does or doesn’t look fine! He had even worn his usual purple sneakers! There he doesn’t care! If he did he would’ve worn some different shoes!

“Killua!”

Killua jumps, looking up to see Gon and his motorcycle, and he was wearing the same stupid jacket and boots, making Killua look like he had tried way to hard wearing the same sneakers only... he was wearing khaki shorts and a black tank top. The combo was all awful if you asked him, but seeing Gon waving with his stupid big eyes and stupid dumb smile, his heart skips a beat.

He timidly walks forward, choosing the back of the motorcycle and with his cheeks ablaze wraps his arms around Gon’s torso, glad the other boy couldn’t see how crimson he was.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Huh? Oh... yeah...”

Alluka would’ve tied him to the bed had he not gotten some rest, so he did after they were done bickering about him seeing Gon, him very against it; out loud at least, and her insisting he should.

“Good!” Gon beams and leans over patting his motorcycle. “That means we can go faster today, Kon! But be sure to take care of him still, okay?”

Killua stares ocean blue hues wide with confusion, and he almost laughs, but his heart flutters, and he finds it so damm dumb, and yet oddly endearing how Gon talks to his bike.

Really. What a damm werido.

—  
—

“Soo, Killua, do you have any hobbies?” Gon offers an honest smile filled with curiosity to the boy staring into the depths of his cup of sugar, err coffee.

“Huh? Oh...”

Killua bites his tongue, glaring bitterly at his own reflection murky in the liquid, and he shoves the drink away disgusted at himself. The question pierces his heart with a million stares, and he looks at the syrup bottle and napkins at the side, ignoring that bright look of curiosity. Why was he so curious to learn about some useless nobody like him?

“I don’t really have any... I used to work three part-time jobs.” So he hadn’t really had time for that sort of thing. It was the only way to keep a separate apartment for Alluka, next to his when he stayed with...

Him...

It was the best he could do, he hated knowing Alluka could hear everything through the paper thin walls, but the landlady had been nice enough to offer a discount for room’s next to each other.

He hates how bitter the taste of the word used is, making him dig his nails into the fabric of his cardigan.

“Oh.” Gon sounds too empathic it makes Killua squirm, and it sounds like he’s questioning if he should even ask whatever Killua knows is coming.

“So, uh, you don’t work anymore?”

Killua lets out an huff of air a headache starting to form in the center of his forehead.

“No. I was terminated from all of them.”

Gon feels guilty immediately and starts waving his arms around in front of him even if Killua is still not looking up, aside from the occasional dart of the eye.

“Oh! Well I think they made a big mistake! I’m sure you’re a great worker, Killua!”

Killua looks up doubt shadowed in his eyes, and he grabs at his drink harshly, choking down half the cup and ironing how it burns his throat and threatens to bring tears to his eyes.

“Yeah. I was.”

He quickly counters, words blunt and trying to end this conversation.

“Is it like how it was at the mall?”

Canines grind together and Killua is half tempted to stick his hand in the mug of hot coffee just to get away from this subject. For someone so seemingly dense, Gon was way too good at picking up context clues for Killua’s comfort. At this rate it wouldn’t be long before...

“Yeah.” Acid drips off his answer, and he glares less at Gon and more at himself, anger bubbling in his chest. Of course, who was gonna keep some idiot who had a panic attack or blacked out the moment a customer raised their hand or voice?

Now Alluka was the one with the part-time job, and he couldn’t feel more worthless, it was bad enough she felt the need to call him every thirty minutes and babysit him when she had the time, but now she was the one keeping the roof over their heads.

She always told him ‘It’s fine! Big brother has been taking care of me since he was twelve, so I’m just returning the favor!’ Things like that to cheer him up, but the guilt wouldn’t stop.

Alluka was nice enough to have an old hag of a manager who understood her situation, giving her the hours and extra pay she needed. Killua found her to be a real pain in the ass, but she was kind to Alluka and to some extent him on some days... between that old hag and his old coworker and friend Ikalgo, who gave them money on occasions, they were doing fine, but...

“Hmmm... why don’t you come work for my Aunt Mito? I work for her all the time! She runs a nice little antiques store! I can explain your situation to her! She’d be more than happy to help you!”

Killua looks up, eyes wide with shock, Gon grinning from ear to ear like he had just found the situation to all of Killua’s problems. And he had really, to one of them at least.

It didn’t feel right in the least. Gon hadn’t even know him for more than one day, and he was offering something so kind, impossibly so. Everyone kept helping and helping while he was sitting here a broken rag doll.

“I wouldn’t want to bother your Aunt.”

He grits his teeth. Chest rising and falling heavily.

“You wouldn’t be!”

“It’s fine, really.”

“Really, it’s fine, Killua! Aunt Mito won’t judge you at all! She’s the nicest person I know!”

That’s the problem! You’re all too nice!

Fury rages in his veins, and he stands up slamming down his coffee the left sleeve of his cardigan slipping and showing pale silvery pink scars amongst his shoulder, but he doesn’t really care. He doesn’t care at all. He has to get out of here. Now.

“YOU SHOULDN'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON ME! I’M WORTHLESS!”

The headache is aching further into his skull and his breathing is ragged, and he looks at Gon’s dazed and shocked expression and then to the cup and spilled coffee.

“I-I have to go...”

“Killua, wait!”

His eyes are burning, and already filling with tears, but he manages to maneuver through the blurred vision, stumbling out and pushing past people until he opens the door, running out.

He runs until he’s exhausted and back near Gon’s motorcycle. He slumps down leaning his back on it, his vision swarming, and red-hot burning into his skull more so now than ever.

He fumbles for his phone, pulling it out, a sob coming clean from his throat.

He scrolls through his few contacts landing on a number and clicking it.

Killua presses the heel of his palm into the left side of his face, holding the phone to his ear.

“Killua? How have you been? I’m sorry I haven’t visited you guys recently I’ve been busy tracking down the Phantom-“

“Kurapika... can you pick me up, please?”

He can hardly be made out though the sobs and gasping, which concerns and sends alarm bells off in Kurapika’s mind immediately.

“Killua, what’s wrong?”

“Please...”

A resigned sigh is let out, and Killua hears the sound of a seat buckle in the background.

“Text me your location, I will be there as soon as I can. Please do not do anything reckless, Killua.”

Killua hangs up, quickly sending a message, letting his phone drop onto the black pavement.

He presses his other hand into a clump of messy white locks, sobbing loudly. So loudly, and in part of him being literally next to Gon’s motorcycle he finds him, of course.

“Killua!”

Concern leaking through his words he bends down, looking down and tilting his head to look at Killua’s face.

“Are you alright?”

He sounds so alarmed, so worried. Stupid, why should he care about someone who stormed out on him when Gon had been so kind to him?

Killua groans, placing his hand closer to the middle of his forehead hoping griping at his bangs will dull the pain.

“Hold on.”

Gon shifts, drawing his hand to Killua’s shoulder, and moves the other boy, so he’s cradled to his chest, his fingers holding a steady grip while the others pat around looking for his phone.

Killua whimpers and shuts his eyes, noting that Gon smells like the oil from his motorcycle, but also oddly like flowers, it’s not unpleasant. Had his head not been shooting bullets right through his skull he would’ve questioned how weird it is.

Gon pulls out his phone, flipping it open, glad for a millisecond Killua isn’t looking to laugh at the fact he uses something so outdated.

“Hey, Leorio? Can you come to where I am? Eeehhhh? It’s not like that! I’m not hurt! But I’m worried about a friend of mine.”

“No... I don’t want to risk moving him too much. Can’t you come? Pleeease?”

“Really! Thanks! I’m at the café on Yorknew street, you know the one!”

He slips it into the pocket of his jacket, shifting the pale boy below him against his body, so he can lift his jacket up and shade Killua from the heat.

“Hang in there, okay?”

“I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alluka outta the way, now it’s time for me to try writing Leorio and Kurapika for the the first time next time lol. I mean guess Kurapika had three lines but, Idk how I’ll do Leorio when it comes to medical stuff at least I’m a dumb dumb. Plz excuse all their ooc ness in advance lol. The first thing those two will do is fight tho probs.
> 
> Tho tbf I’m also worried about how ooc Gon is too since I’m not writing him the way I normally do, not really Killua and Alluka tho for all I know they are too tho lol. Alluka acts a lot dif, but that’s cuz she’s protective of Killua tbh. Plus hanging out with him so much I feel like she’d pick up some of his bad attitude. 
> 
> Any comments and kudos/faves once again are really really appreciated! I love them so much, and they really help me wanna keep going! And while I probs can keep going on pure I have ideas for the future of this fic, it would still mean a lot! I cried when I got ‘em tbh, this is my least popular fic ever, it flopped lol, but seeing how much the few of you enjoyed it made me realize that doesn’t even matter, so thank you guys for the support so so much! I really do appreciate it! 😭❤️🤧
> 
> This is for you guys! 
> 
> I worked really hard on this chap, I hope it’s ok lol I know it’s messy, but damm I worked so hard xd, so I hope it’s not to too bad. I don’t wanna let anyone down! 
> 
> This ended up sooooo long, I’m sorry, hope that’s okay! Thanks for reading!


	3. Despair

Gon was warm... and still here... why...? Why...? He is a complete stranger who had done nothing but cause problems so far... why was Gon still here? Maybe because he was in the way of his motorcycle? Then move, Killua, you fucking idiot...! Haven’t you caused Gon enough problems?

Gon’s voice was so soothing and kind, even though Killua had yelled and ran away... he hadn’t left, or yelled, or hit him.

Killua shifts looking at the blacktop, the edges of his sneakers once white now a mix of gray, brown, and now... black. His fingers are still digging into his hair, and he slowly tugs them out with a sniff. His throat has a huge lump and his eyes still burn, his chest compressing.

“Killua?”

What the fuck. Why does Gon still sound concerned? Why...? Why was Gon so dumb...

Why was... he such a fucking dumbass...?

Alluka could have been a normal kid again... he had a perfect opportunity to get a job, one where they would understand, and he threw it out... just because he’s tired of being seen as a broken doll. He is a broken doll...

Alluka... she could’ve... how could she stand him? How could she still be here? Who wants a useless big brother who can’t even take care of himself?

Gon has been nothing but kind... and he ruined that too...

A bitter laugh spills from his lips, entangled in a sob.

“I ruin everything...”

He rubs at scars through the thin fabric of his cardigan. Oh, right. Killua tugs up the fallen down sleeve he had been putting off in the back of his mind.

Gon had seen.

He had seen. Why was he still here? Why? Why the hell is he still here?!

“No. Nothing is ruined.”

Killua can’t help but jerk up his head in surprise, wide sapphire hues locking with honey brown ones.

No anger. No pity. No hatred shown in those eyes. Just kindness, and it eases his headache and makes him almost throw up at the same time.

“The offer still stands.”

His heart jumps and Killua doesn’t know why, and he feels that sickness he hates all over again. Little butterflies, beautiful to the eye, but a demon to his mind and stomach.

“...Why?”

He tilts his head down, white locks obscuring his face from Gon’s view. He bites on his lip, confusion swirling in his eyes.

“...I yelled at you! You hardly know me! I... I just ‘cause you trouble! I’m-!”

“Not worthless. Don’t speak about yourself like that. Besides I like you and Alluka! I wanna help you! Is it so odd for friends to want to do that?”

Friends...?

The word sits on his tongue, Gon looking at him with a smile, but underlying concern. What? Why? His head hurts. It hurts. Killua dips his neck down, Gon readjusting his jacket over him, to shade him more.

“Killua?”

Gon’s voice becomes distant, pain erupting in the middle of his forehead, it throbs warmly; almost soothingly, for a second before doubling down in fiery agony.

Killua forces his shaking limbs to move up, digging his palms into messy locks of hair, pressing them up against clammy skin.

It feels like someone was diving a nail into his skull.

There’s a distant clicking, Gon muttering something in a panic ridden tone. He can’t really make any of it out, pressing his ear and head into Gon’s chest, the other ringing too much.

Gon shakes him lightly as though he is made of glass. “Killua can you hold on?” His tone is gentle and placating. Killua whines, glassy blue hues darting up. His arms obscure his vision slightly, but he catches Gon gesturing to his neck.

“Leorio- uh, my friend is close by, I wanna go over to him, is that alright?”

Killua tugs his palms away, missing the pressure he had been putting down almost immediately. His arms felt like wobbly noodles...

Alluka would've laughed and retorted how she was right, he did have noodle arms! Killua wouldn’t even be able to snap back.

He forces them up, resting them near Gon’s collarbone, but not really having the strength to tug them around further.

“That’s okay!”

Gon offers a smile he doesn’t really catch until the jacket is moved from his vision when Gon moves, pulling a hand around his shoulders and under his legs. The sun hits his face, making him flinch, and he buries his face into Gon’s tank top.

—

—

Killua isn’t sure how long Gon walks, he doesn’t look up, not even when he hears a loud boisterous voice that makes him cling more to Gon.

He peels his face away, hissing, and glaring at the person making so much damm noise.

Confusion sets on his brow. Gon’s friend was his dad?

He had the same ridiculous dark spiky hair, minus the shades of dyed green tips, similar warm brown eyes. Although, they were slightly obscured by some very small spectacles that sit on his nose. Tall and lanky, which wasn’t akin to Gon, who was on the more muscular side, but... this guy didn’t look like the type to work out... sort of like him...

He was wearing a dark blue suit, with a polka dotted tie that makes Killua’s eyes bleed, green with yellow dots. Plus some sort of lab coat hung over his shoulders.

“...Your old man is your friend?”

Said old man’s face goes from mildly thrilled to angry in a second.

“I wish, considering his dad is a piece of shit- hold on! Old man! I’m not even that old, listen here you brat-!”

Killua flinches and Gon gives his dad, err, friend a look, and the lanky man backs down, sighing and rubbing the back of his head.

“Is this the brat, Gon?”

Gon nods his head eagerly, before leaning down, and resting on the blacktop, Killua still snug in his arms.

“This is Killua! Killua, this is Leorio, he is my friend, not my dad!”

Killua grumbles tugging his hands away from Gon, placing them down in his lap and staring blankly.

“Nice to meet you, old man.”

Leorio grits his teeth, raising his fist in anger.

“Why you! I am only twenty-five!”

Gon gives him another pointed stare, and Leorio relents, tugging a bag down to the ground and joining them. Killua laughs on the inside through the throbbing of his head on how they all probably look like a bunch of lunatics.

“Alright, I guess I’ll give the brat a look over, even if he is pissing me off.”

He reaches forward, and Killua jolts when his hand gets close, too which Leorio stops, a flicker of something between a mix of concern and realization shinning in his eyes.

“Relax, kid. I’m not going to hurt you or anything.”

He changes his tone to be softer and drops the ‘brat.’ Killua scoffs, it was almost like he’s dealt with broken people before... the look in his eyes almost made it seem like that, and it makes Killua shift inwards. He doesn’t like that one bit, it’s like this Leorio knows almost everything about him already...

“Gon? Do you think I could examine the kid over, alone? I want to talk to him.”

Killua expression darkens, and he grits his teeth, ignoring how it sends pulsing pain to his skull.

Gon looks between his friend and Killua for what seems like a lifetime before answering.

“I dunno, Leorio...”

Leorio places a hand on Gon’s shoulder and gives him a knowing look that makes Killua’s stomach churn.

“Okay... is that alright, Killua?”

Killua digs his nails into his palm. He doesn’t want this! He doesn't want them to know... 

Gon gives him this pleading look, and his heart skips a beat, and sinks to his stomach, and he sighs, digging his nails into skin deeper. If he didn’t do this now... Gon might tell Alluka later, and she’d definitely make him go to a doctor that isn’t Gon’s, not dad, friend... he doesn’t want that...

“Fine...”

He reluctantly stands, swaying on his feet slightly, before Leorio takes a gentle grip of his forearm, so he doesn’t eat dirt.

“It will only be for a little bit, besides you should get out of the sun, you dumb brat.”

It lacks the necessary bite to make Killua anxious, but he almost wishes Leorio would go back to yelling at him and treating him not like some fragile piece of porcelain...

He just has to keep telling himself. He only has to put up with it a bit more that’s it. 

—  
—

Gon fiddles with the zipper of his jacket, still sitting on the blacktop pavement, Aunt Mito would scold him for sure later for the mark that was going to be on his pants... He’s bored... maybe he should check in on Killua and Leorio... but it’s only been about ten minutes...

“Excuse me?”

A voice draws Gon out of his thoughts, feet raising and falling slightly out of boredom. He darts his eyes up to meet a stranger with the brightest shade of blond hair he’s ever seen, chin length. He was wearing a dark black suit, with a black tie to accompany it, alongside dress shoes. The only non-professional looking part about him was a small studded red earring in his left ear, that Gon still finds oddly professional.

“Have you seen a boy around here? He’s about your age... silver hair...?”

The stranger drawls off, looking around, a hint of concern flashing in his uniquely red eyes.

Silver hair...?

Gon tilts his head before jumping up, wiping down his pants, though it does little to rid the stain of black.

“Oh! You mean Killua?”

The stranger looks alert in a second, before staring Gon over up and down with a fierce look in his eyes.

“Yes. You know him?”

Gon seems unfazed by the holes being glared into him, nodding his head and waving his arms up and down at his sides.

“Yeah, he wasn’t feeling well, so a friend of mine, he’s a doctor, is looking over him right now.”

Killua’s friend, Gon presumes, tight posture somehow becomes even more rigid, and Gon has to wonder if the guy has trouble breathing.

“I’m Gon, by the way!”

“Kurapika.”

Kurapika gives a slight nod of acknowledgment, but doesn’t keep his burning gaze off Gon for a second.

Gon gathers it must be because of Killua... although Killua had seemed baffled at the idea of him helping him earlier... Kurapika seemed to be a little protective of him. Gon’s sort of happy, really! It makes his chest fill with warmth knowing Killua doesn’t just have his sister and no one else.

It may not be right to pry... but if Kurapika was Killua’s friend...

“About Killua...”

Kurapika’s crimson eyes narrow, eyebrows pinching together under the blond shade of his bangs.

“I know what you wish to ask, but is not my place to speak of such events.”

Gon frowns, it’s not that he’s trying to prode a lot... he just recalls how scared Killua had looked when that guy had grabbed his arm, how desperate he tried to get away. How could Gon just stand there and do nothing...?

The boy hasn’t even looked relived when he had saved him more confused and still panic ridden, Gon tried speaking to him, and he just dropped. Gon’s instincts alone let him catch him before the boy could hit the ground. And he had seemed so frail in his arms...

And then how he talked about himself, calling himself worthless, Gon doesn’t like it one bit, he can feel a fury in his chest. He hadn't known Killua long at all, but it was obvious...

“Did someone hurt him?”

Kurapika looks downward, sighing.

“I am afraid I know little of the situation either.”

“Oh.”

“I regret to say I got caught up in revenge, a friend of mine was put in a coma by a biker gang. Killua was there for me during that time, he was always digging dirt up on them, I regret I could not be there for him.“

Gon looks up, crossing his arms in thought. It’s obvious Kurapika felt guilty based of his slouched position and the way he didn’t look him in the eyes.

“But you came for him today, right? It’s not too late. You can be there for him now.”

Shock passes over Kurapika’s face for moment, and he chuckles.

“Gon, was it? Perhaps you are right, I am sorry for assuming the worse of you earlier, I simply...”

“It’s alright! That just means you do care about Killua, right? So do you... know anything, that is?”

Kurapika stares doubt shrouded in his eyes, lips pursing.

“As I said I know little, just that every time I saw Killua again he had more bandages and bruises than the last.”

Kurapika loosen his shoulders a bit with a downcast look, Gon doesn’t budge, anger on his brow and in his eyes.

He remembered the scars on Killua’s shoulder when his sleeve slipped, raw pink against pale skin, how he hadn’t seen him actively wear anything without sleeves, and it makes him angry. Very angry.

—  
—

“Okay! All done!”

Leorio’s voice pulls him from his anger, and he whips around, Kurapika doing the same albeit much more graceful.

Killua trails behind Leorio face painted with a look Gon can’t quite figure out. He looked sad and ashamed, but why?

He rushes up to Killua, darting right past Leorio who stares a little more than offended, mouth agape.

“Killua? Are you alright?”

Killua looks up at him slowly, surprise flittering in his deep blue eyes. Why would Killua be surprised? Unless it’s because he didn't think Gon would care... It was because of who hurt him... it must have been... if Gon ever sees that person...

“I’m-"

“Hey, Gon! Why don’t you ask the actual doctor about that!”

Gon turns around slowly, laughing nervously.

“Sorry, I was just worried about Killua...”

Leorio clicks his tongue rolling his eyes, although it’s largely an act, Leorio was a kindhearted person more so than even Gon himself.

“The brat will be fine. I gave him some pain medication. It’s largely from stress, but there’s only so much I can do outside my office.”

Gon doesn’t need to ask to know what that means. All the implications are there. That he can’t prescribe any of the medicine Killua might actually need unless Killua goes to his office willingingly, himself... and Gon has a feeling Killua won’t... he’ll just have to make it his mission to get Killua to feel safe enough. He’ll bring him to see Aunt Mito, take him out more places...

“Excuse me. Are we really supposed to trust you? Killua is an important person to me, I will not allow some quack to examine him.”

“Kurapika it-"

“It is not fine, Killua, this guy looks all kinds of shady.”

“Shady?! Why listen here blondie! I don’t know who you think you are, but-!”

Huh? Gon slowly turns around a mess of a fight about to break out both Leorio and Kurapika glaring bullet holes into each, Killua standing by looking a mix of miffed and distressed, but mostly distressed.

Gon quickly stands in front of Killua shielding him from what was about to be a breakout fight.

“Guys! Don’t fight!”

Kurapika and Leorio both turn to him, but Gon stands his ground. Kurapika is the first to lower his guard, although, it mostly seems to be in due part to how Killua is basically hiding behind Gon at this point. Leorio also seems to do it on the same basis... which Gon takes note of. They could be good friends if they tried! Now wasn’t really the time or place though.

“I will be taking Killua home now. Excuse me.”

Leorio snorts, folding his arms across his chest.

Killua slinks away from Gon, but Gon calls after him before he can leave entirely.

“Killua, wait! I’ll come visit you tomorrow! Okay?”

Killua looks back, and Gon swears he sees a spark of joy somewhere in the confusion and distress. It makes his chest feel light.

Kurapika gives a thank you nod and goodbye to Gon, not even acknowledging Leorio’s presence, slipping a hand near Killua’s waist so the other boy is supported.

Gon watches as they walk away, Leorio scoffs and pouts like a child.

“Geez! Who does that prick think he is! I am a legit doctor! Why I outta! Next time he sees me he’s going to put respect on my name!”

Gon just laughs.

—  
—

Gon was coming again today... Killua would be lying if he said he hasn’t been sitting on the cold floor of their apartment, waiting all day. Alluka had scolded him and told him to ‘Sit on the couch like a normal person, Big Brother!’ Killua preferred sitting in front of it. The ice of the floor and the air kept him grounded, from sinking to far.

His sister had left for work a while ago, telling him he should get something to eat that wasn’t just a smoothie. A smoothie doesn’t provide all the nutrients you need. Killua isn’t sure he could keep actually food down though. He doesn’t know how to feel. He thought surely Gon would never want to see his face again.

He was going to drown in his own thoughts at this rate. What was the big deal? Why did his heart have to keep beating so fast. Why... why did he have to feel like this again...?

Should he change? He had been lounging around in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of shorts that just skimmed his knees all morning, but even if Gon had seen yesterday, he isn’t sure he is ready for him to see all the scars lining his body in silvery pink and light red’s.

He doesn’t have time to dwell on it as there is a knock on the door.

Killua all but jumps out of his skin. He wipes sweaty palms on his shirt, standing up and walking to the door. It’s just Gon calm down. No... that’s the problem. It is Gon... Gon... Gon. He should prepare for the worse. Maybe Gon’s here to say he was wrong yesterday. There’s no way he wants to be friends with someone like Killua.

Killua hesitates before grabbing the door handle opening the door.

All the air in his lungs is knocked out, eyes blown wide in fear, his fingers trembling, gripping the handle.

“R-R?”

Red locks of hair all pulled into a tight ponytail that reaches near his waist. Green sparkling eyes that draw you in and make you feel safe, only to look dead and cold later. The scar on etched upon his wrist from getting caught in a chain link fence. The pale skin almost matching Killua’s, only a tad bit more pink in shade... the black worn out sneakers, the red baseball jersey with the number 32. Ripped up jeans and one piercing in his right ear, a hoop.

No. No. Why was his ex here?

This can’t be happening.

This can’t.

Killua goes to slam the door, but R grabs it before he can, holding it with just enough strength his fingers don’t get smashed.

“K! Wait! I’m here to apologize!”

Killua grits his teeth trying not to cry and pass out at the same time. Dammit, he should’ve had more than that stupid smoothie!

Where was his taser? Why didn’t he leave it near the door like Alluka always insisted?

“No! Go away!”

He doesn’t want it anymore... he doesn’t care if he’s a worthless person who deserves pain, he doesn’t want it!

“K! Please.”

Killua abruptly stops, fingers dropping from the door, and R tugs it back open, sighing, running his fingers in his parted front bangs.

R chuckles as if he’s being dumb. He’s flashing that smile so full of light and yet dark and twisted, and Killua is dead frozen. He didn’t want to be hurt again, so he let go. He let go of the door, Alluka.

“Come on K, come out.”

That controlling cold voice, that dominating tone. He steps out and lets R close the door behind him without thinking. Sweat drips down his forehead, and his t-shirt clings to his abdomen, fingers and shoulders trembling.

It takes all his strength to not let black swarm his vision. If he passed out now... he doesn’t... know...

That void threatens him when R takes a step towards him, Killua goes dead cold, flinching.

“Hey, been a while, huh?”

The words Killua wants to stay all stay dead, it takes all his strength to keep upright.

R moves in closer, and Killua shuts his eyes, clenching his shaking fingers into fists that dig into flesh.

“Killua!”

That voice...

Oh, god. Not now. Fuck, not now.

Killua opens his eyes slowly, there Gon is waving his right hand, the other situated on his bike handle. He’s still wearing that dumb green motorcycle jacket and shoes, with a striped tank top and black jeans.

He runs over with an over enthusiastic smile. Killua’s heart picks up in pace, sweat lining his palms.

“K?”

R’s grips his shoulder enough to be painful and Killua bites down on his lip to hold back a whimper.

Gon reaches the entrance of Alluka’s and his apartment, R removing his hand and turning. His eyes narrow and a shiver runs down Killua spine, muscles taut and feet glued to the ground in fear.

“K? Who is this?”

“Oh! I’m Gon, Killua’s-!”

Gon jumps in reaching a hand out to R, the man glowering and turning to Kilua in disgust.

“I wasn’t asking you.”

Killua shrinks in towards the building until his narrow shoulders ram into the wall. Gon’s eyebrows furrow, and he goes to step in, but R speaks first, chilling.

“K. Who is this.”

His stomach churns, and he swallows the air, his throat desert dry.

He’s gonna be sick...

“M-my friend.”

The air freezes, Killua’s shoes hitting the edge of the building. His skin sickly grey in shade, sweat sticking his bangs to his forehead.

R stares before smiling. A cool smile, and he reaches over to Killua fingertips grazing under his chin, making Killua’s eyes dart up wide in fear, and he recoils.

“Oh, K, come on. You don’t need friends. You don’t need anyone, but me.”

The words fall dripping in sickly amounts of pity. Kilua trembles under the touch, vision threatening to dance in shades of black and white.

“No one else wants you. Who would? You need me. I won’t leave. See? I came back to apologize and everything.”

Killua looks down, but R jerks his chin up forcing him to look him in those unwelcoming wicked eyes.

“Shut the hell up!”

Green enters his vision an arm shoving R from his vicinity. The touch lingers, and makes Killua shiver, his legs giving out.

Pale skin breaks as his knees collide with the concrete, his oversized t-shirt skipping down from his shoulder, revealing his collar bone.

“Don’t talk to him like that!”

Killua looks up through bleary blue eyes, Gon’s frame standing fiercely in front of him. Fists clenched in anger and tone dripping in rage. Why? Why would he go so far for someone like Killua? After all, everything R said was true... who would ever want someone like him?

He can’t see Gon’s face and his figure obscures R from his view, but Gon’s hands are shaking veins popping to the surface of his skin, his feet postured so that he could be ready to strike at any minute.

Why?

Killua drapes thin clammy fingers to his chin, it’s still there in his mind, like a phantom. Yelling picks up on his ears, blood rushing. He tries to pick himself off the ground, but his muscles taunt him, hand falling into his lap, and fingers twitching and struggling to keep hold onto that last bit of consciousness, his eyelids weighing heavy before shutting, and his struggle failing.

—  
—

“...Lua...”

“Ki...”

“...Llua...”

“Killua...!”

The voice is warm, unlike the cold dark abyss, that sends trembles down his frame, and wracks his core. It makes him want to climb up to it. Even if he scraps his knees and breaks his bones, and falls to get there.

It tugs him back.

“Nnmmm...”

His eyelids feel as heavy as lead, and dark eyelashes cling to goop, and slowly flicker open, fingers going to rub instantly. He stops mid motion, vision clearing and meeting brown. There are little specks of gold and just a hint of green in the irises and Killua’s mouth goes dry.

“Killua!”

That face is withdrawn away from his, a smile so bright it could blind him, but an undeniable worry in the brow and clench of the jaw.

Gon...

Shit!

His brain goes into overdrive, and he almost jumps right up, the only thing stopping him a strong hand placed firmly on his shoulder and pushing him down.

“Let go!”

Killua snarls, his teeth clenching, his fingers drawing up to rip away Gon’s, ghostly pale and bony the complete opposite to the ones he’s trying to pull away.

“I have to! R’s still!”

He tries, he tries to scramble to his feet, but Gon pulls him flush and tight against his chest, and Killua rams his palm into Gon’s shoulder desperate to get out.

“It’s okay! It’s okay, Killua!”

It’s not okay! His baby sister! She’s still there! He has to save her! She’s still there! He’s hurting her! Please don’t hurt her! Just hurt him! Please!

He claws and puts his strength into every last punch, slamming down onto Gon’s shoulder, ignoring how he could feel Gon hold back a wince every so often, but he doesn’t give, he wouldn’t let go. Killua scrapes his bare feet against the concrete uncaring of the pain if he rips skin, he’s just desperate, hysteria starting to build. His chest is burning and tears are falling.

“No! Get off! Let me go! He’s hurting her! He’s hurting my sister!”

Gon holds him tighter, shaking his head desperation in his tone. He can’t see Gon’s face, he can’t see anything, nothing but his little sister being hurt, but it sounds like he was about to cry.

“It’s okay! Killua! Alluka is fine! I meet her the other day!”

No! No! No! No!

Nanika...! Nanika!

Don’t hurt her!

“It’s okay! Big Brother’s going to save you! I’m coming! Big Brother’s coming!”

His muscles burn, like he had set ablaze to him, but he doesn’t stop clawing, reaching a hand over Gon’s shoulder.

It’s okay! He’ll be there! He won’t be a useless big brother!

Don’t protect him! He can take another hit! It’s fine! Don’t step in front of him, don't! Don't protect him!

His stomach twists and turns, and his throat aches the smell of acid burning the back of his throat and his nose. His chest heaves and he claps a hand over his mouth. It does little to help and he retches, hot liquid pouring from his fingers and spilling all over Gon’s jacket.

The taste of his morning smoothie mixed with sick, almost makes him heave again, but his mind is too stuck, frozen, eyes glassy, and fingers shaking.

Gon’s fingers on his shoulders tighten in their grip slightly, and there’s yelling, always more yelling. It was different from R's... concern still... how? Surely after this... after this... he couldn’t want to be friends with a puppet of darkness... someone sick and broken like him...

Good. That’s fine. He... he wouldn’t get hurt...

“Killua?”

Stop... stop speaking like he’s something fragile that deserves to be protected, don’t be fucking stupid! Get out while you can! Leave him here! Stop being so kind! Stop speaking to him like that with that tone! You still don’t fucking know him! You don’t! You’re too much! Light like you, darkness like him doesn’t deserve to be by the side of...

“Let’s get cleaned up, okay?”

Her voice echoes in his thoughts, and he closes his eyes weakly, croaking out a whimper of a reply.

“...’Kay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this out I’ve just been hating myself and my writing since like Tuesday and it’s made it hard to wanna get anything out when you feel like who wants to read this shit. But I’ve delayed this chap long enough so imma post it. I hope it wasn’t too ooc or disappointing for the long wait. Sorry once more 
> 
> Tbf I had so much genuine fun writing all these parts just when I came back later to piece it all together self esteem be like yeet. Hate. So I did enjoy it dw! I would not post smth I didn't enjoy writing! It was just after the fact esteem big rip.
> 
> I’m sorry to be my bby Ki I keep hurting him oh goodness. I love you Ki I really do. 
> 
> Dw Alluka acting completely normal in the earlier chaps will be addressed. They both have trauma they suppressing. 
> 
> Rip to Gon’s jacket guess he’ll have to get a new one. Btw the parallels to canon on occasion are meant to be there siisjsiwiaiaoaoao. And yeah R has a full name you can have fun guessing if you wanna I might even use one of the suggestions if I like it more. Leo’s chat with Ki will come up eventually can’t say when tho! But he will be pre important to Ki’s recovery so I hope I didn’t do too bad with him cuz I plan on using him more sisjkskskskskowoaoso. Same for Kurapika. Who I oddly feel I did better with, but I was worried about everyone this chap. Esp Ki and Leo. Tho Ki’s got a lot of trauma so he might act dif. 
> 
> Edit: I’ve been debating on if I should keep continuing this or not. My answer isn’t set in stone yet, but I guess this idea really wasn’t as gripping as I thought I guess when you really think about it modern AU’s are kinda overdone esp if they don’t have a twist. I never expected this to be some big hit tbf I’m not popular or anything, but my enthusiasm for it is sadly at the moment just very depressed. I just wanna thank everyone who has read or given a comment or kudos. Thank you to Aki esp. you are one of the few reasons I was able to go on and get this chap out.


	4. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so that seemingly not important mention of Killua having a scar near his ear... anyway there’s domestic abuse sorta portrayed here, be warned! Anyway I’m in pain. Please suffer with me, lol then again no one else gets my elaborate daydreams they get my second hand trash writing hahaha oopsies. Also cheese.

“Killua... I love... Killua...”

A small frail girl colors in a messy sketch, with a blue crayon. She was identical to Alluka, but her eyes large and brown, plus a petite frame even in comparison to Alluka. 

“I love Nanika too. A whole bunch, and who else loves Nanika?”

Killua pats the small girl’s head earning a huge smile from her, eyes lighting up as she grabs a pink crayon set aside.

“I... love... big sis! Big sis! Alluka! I love... Alluka...and...Killua!”

She finishes placing the crayon down, grinning, as Killua pats her head gently again. Her small fingers wrap around his torso and Killua pulls her up into his lap, stroking her hair.

“That’s right. You did so good today, Nanika.”

“Killua... loves me?”

“Of course. Big brother loves you with my whole heart.”

He hums softly to her, a random melody with no real tune, it was everything she liked and more, she was always happy when her big brother hummed or sang, even if it was off pitch and had no real melody.

They were happy... even if it was a rustic old apartment with two creaky beds, and dusty mattresses. To have the freedom away from their family. The kitchen small and the dishes overfilling in the sink. Killua has to do those later. The fan above buzzes, and the lights don’t even do their job the room dark, dreary. With his sisters there, Killua didn’t feel it was dark. It was happy.

It was...

A banging at the door draws Killua’s icy blue eyes to the door, and he slowly adjusts his little sister, so she is no longer in his lap, petting her dark locks.

“Nanika. Promise big brother, okay? Go hide in my closet and don’t come out. No matter what. Don’t come out, for me?”

She looks up, brown eyes wide in confusion, but she slowly nods, picking herself up. Killua does the same, listening to her little feet pad away; the creaking of the closet at the side of the room, steeling himself.

—

Nanika does what Killua says. She loves Killua... she sits in the small closet a few sets of outfits each for the three of them. She draws her fingers into her skirt, and grasps as tightly as her weak fingers will let her. Nanika waits. Killua asked. He begged. Nanika listens. Nanika loves Killua. Nanika doesn’t love the boisterous man who comes through the door so often. His footsteps loud, and his laugh grating on her ears. Nanika hates him. She hates this ‘R’. Who could hate Killua? Who could hurt Killua? Nanika loves him.

This man could. Nanika doesn’t move. Killua wants her to stay, but as the arguing gets louder, and Killua’s voice is drowned out, Nanika wants to go. But she loves Killua. So, she stays.

Killua never screamed, and when she comes out, he always smiles at her, even when he holds his arm at an awkward angle, or has a dark bruise forming under his eyes. He comes over and pats her head and tells her she did good.

Nanika steps out of the closet, happy to see Killua again, waiting for his praise, she takes slow step after step.

Killua isn’t there. She walks closer catching a bottle of beer broken, and blood dripping off the side. She spots Killua’s white poofy hair and runs closer a look of joy spreading across her face.

Except Killua is lying on the floor, and his hair white as snow, is red near the edge of his left ear, staring his neck, and dripping down his turtleneck.

Nanika rushes forward shaking his shoulder, tears in her eyes.

“Killua... Killua... I love... Killua...”

Nanika loves Killua... Killua isn’t responding... he isn’t praising her.

Killua...

Big sis... Alluka... she taught her an emergency number. If she uses that... Killua will be okay!

Nanika loves...

—

Killua wakes to a shock, a gasp of air drawn into his lungs, his fist going out to connect whatever is in front of him, and lands solid on something warm... and oddly squishy...

“OW!”

Icy blues snap up, staring at Gon ; Gon, who is clasping his left eye. Killua blinks slowly the realization settling in, and he pulls his fist back, his stomach churning.

Shit! 

Why was Gon even still here...?

He can’t... remember... R... R... and Gon... protected him...? Why...? Gon thought... they were friends...

“Wow, you sure know how to throw a good right hook, Killua!”

Killua glances up Gon wearing a goofy grin despite the fact he just got punched. In the eye. Shame fills his insides, and Killua looks at the blanket over his legs.

“I’m so sorry. I’m-“

“Huh? No, don’t worry about it! It’s fine!”

Killua keeps his gaze trailed down, trying to piece together what had happened. Gon was wearing a different shirt. His jacket was gone... oh right, Killua had... he had been sick on it.

Great, surely no better way to make an impression on the guy... at this point he is sure there is something either wrong with him or Gon... when all Killua has done is cause trouble for the other so far, but Gon still beams at him, and goes out of his way to help him...

Killua scrunches his slim digits up in the blankets,

“Did... Did R hurt you?”

He had blacked out (again) he didn’t know what happened... just that Gon had woken him up... and he threw up on him...  _ something _ was missing...

Gon looks over, folding what appears to be laundry into small piles next to the sofa Killua was on.

“Nope! I scared him off with my awesomeness!”

Killua blinks slowly.

There’s no way this idiot is real. He must be a figment of his imagination taking pity on him, and giving him some knight in shinning armor.

“Don’t you mean with your weirdness?”

Gon slowly dwells on it, ebony eyebrows pinching down before he shrugs.

“Maybe!”

Killua watches Gon, a somber look crossing his face as his eyes wander to land on the clock.

4:30 PM...?

Fuck!

Killua scrambles tugging the blankets away, making Gon alert, rushing over to the panicked boy, grabbing him all too gently by the shoulders. As if Killua is something that would break... 

“W-what?! Let me go! I have to-!”

This feels familiar...

Gon shakes his head, his hands strong and a steady soft force, as he stares Killua right in the eyes with those warm honey brown eyes of his.

“You shouldn’t move yet.”

“I have to! Alluka will be home in an hour! I have to make her dinner!”

Please... let him have this... he was basically crippled right now... living off his sister’s money. Her charity... his little sister taking care of him all the time because of his weak body... his tendency to pass out... he should be the one taking care of her. Let him do this one thing for her...

“Killua. Hey. Look at me.”

“H-huh?”

Killua face drains of color, expecting Gon to be angry, but when he looks up Gon’s eyes are filled with nothing but sparkling determination.

“You need rest, I’ll make Alluka’s dinner.” 

This was bad... really bad... he thinks he’s falling...

“Do you even know how to make anything?” 

Killua gives Gon a pointed stare instead, raising an eyebrow. The way that Gon’s determined gaze slowly changes into a nervous one, the other rubbing the back of his neck, and laughing nervously...

It speaks volumes.

“Uh! I’m sure I can whip something up! I’ve only burnt water once!”

Gon you’re...

Killua can’t help the stifled laugh that spills from pink tinted lips, turning into a few snorts and giggles. The corners of his cheeks upturning into a soft smile.

“Please don’t give my sister food poisoning.”

“Woah.”

Woah...?

Did... did Killua do something wrong? Was it something he said?

“Your smile is really pretty! I wanna see it more!” 

Huh?

His face goes cherry red, the corners of his ears flushed pink, and the tip of his nose deeper red than the rest, painting a pretty portrait over his porcelain skin. 

This weirdo really was... something... this was really bad... he can’t... he feels sick at the idea of ever falling in love again... but Gon almost makes the feeling pleasant... it would be stupid... to think anyone would love him though...

R was right... no one would ever...

“S-shut up! I have to make Alluka dinner! I’m not leaving it to some idiot who burns water!”

Gon just smiles, and laughs. Laughs. Not in a sarcastic or hateful way. He doesn’t do it while tugging Killua’s hair, or forcing him to look...

“You’re opening up a little! I’m glad! Kurapika would be happy too!”

Kurapika? Would be...? Killua supposes asides from Alluka, Kurapika was the only person who cares for him, but... he seems more focused on revenge than anything. Would he really have time to care about something so stupid?

“Don’t forgot me and Leorio!”

“Huh?”

“He acts all annoyed, but he asked me to look after you when I came to visit!”

But Killua hadn’t even said... Goddammit was he that readable?

“It’s Leorio and I.”

Gon stares for a while, blinking slowly as he digests what Killua says, chuckling. 

“Huh. Guess you’re right! You’re really smart too! But you shouldn’t move around, Killua. If you really need to make Alluka dinner at least let me help you. I can carry you, and get any of the ingredients you need!”

Killua stares shell-shocked; his stomach feels funny again... was he going to be sick? This stupid Gon. He still hardly knows Killua, and claims them friends in less than two days, and now is helping him with all this too? Not to mention standing up to R... He could’ve gotten seriously hurt... Killua sort of wishes Gon would just hate him already. He doesn’t want him hurt...

Fuck him...

“O-okay...”

“Alright then! All aboard the Gon express, good sir!”

Gon scoops Killua up before he can even argue, and Killua presses his face into Gon’s chest, his heart and face burning away.

Good god. He was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays! This story ain’t dead! Thank you for the support on the last chap, I would’ve probs dropped it if not for you guys, thank you, because I really loved this idea once and you gave me that love back. Even if not many are interested and my writing isn’t really up to par, I’m happy to be able to write it trash or not, so thank you 💙 I’m glad my idea didn’t just sink 😭😭🤧
> 
> Scuse me if it’s a little disjointed I reread the others, but hahahaha it has been since October. Idk if my style quite the same anymore... oops. I feel it changes with each chapter. Ahahha it’s just part of the trash appeal! Hope this wasn’t too disappointing ahhahaha. 
> 
> Also callback to the first chappp yes the ending being the same is intentional lol
> 
> If you want to see me complain lol or! Just want loving Ki hours all the time cuz Ki deserves better! You can find me on my tumblr! http://windyqs.tumblr.com/ twitter! https://twitter.com/windsqs or on my discord! I also rp Ki there and I could always use more rp buddies or friends I am a lonely bean WindyQ#6831


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